


The Plan

by Rivine



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Background Colin Robinson, Character Turned Into Vampire, Familiars, Human/Vampire Relationship, Loss of Virginity, M/M, off-screen sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-03-06 22:54:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18860620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rivine/pseuds/Rivine
Summary: Nandor decides to do something about other vampires wanting to eat Guillermo. It goes wrong.





	The Plan

**Author's Note:**

> Written post-1.7, The Trial.  
> Additional content note at the end.

“Since the vampires at the Vampire Tribunal were so eager to drink Guillermo, it made me stop and think,” Nandor said, into the camera. “He is very tasty-looking. Which is a bit of a problem. I don’t want other vampires eating my familiar. Then where would I be? I would have no familiar.”

“You said you were okay with it at the club,” Guillermo said, quietly but with no small amount of resentment coloring his voice.

“Are you still upset about that? I was being polite! And I took you flying afterwards.”

Guillermo looked at him silently.

“I said I was sorry for dropping you. You need to let this go already, Guillermo. And I saved you from the Vampire Tribunal! That is the point I was making: they were going to kill you, and I stopped them by claiming I committed the horrible crime that you committed.”

“It was an accident, Master!”

“You killed the Baron, Guillermo, now be quiet. And be grateful that I saved you. Murdering a vampire is very serious.”

“Yes, Master.”

“Anyway, as I was saying, Guillermo is very delicious-looking. It’s mostly because he’s a virgin.”

“What?” Guillermo said. “I’m not a virgin, master.” He glanced at the camera. “I’ve had sex.”

“No, you’re a virgin.”

“But—”

“Guillermo, please. I think I can spot who’s a virgin and who’s not.” Nandor gave the camera a scoffing look. “I am a _vampire_ , after all.”

“Master, I’ve… I have done things—” Guillermo’s eyes kept darting back to the camera, and a blush was creeping into his cheeks.

“Well, clearly it didn’t take,” Nandor said, annoyed, before turning back to the camera. “Vampires love drinking virgins, so I am going to make Guillermo less appetizing by”—he swirled his cape dramatically—“seducing him under the cover of darkness.”

“You’re what?”

“What I said, Guillermo: I’m going to seduce you. Pay attention when I talk.”

“Seduce, as in, sex?”

“Yes, that is what I said. You are being very slow today, you should work on that.”

“You’re going to have sex with me?”

“I’m trying to keep you from being drunk by other vampires by deflowering you, what is so hard to understand about this?”

Guillermo hesitated. He looked at the camera crew. “I think you should leave.”

“No, no,” Nandor said, “I wasn’t going to seduce you in _here_. We’re not going to have sex in the _library_ , Guillermo. We’ll go to my bedroom. They will stay outside, the door will be closed; it will be very private. You can light all the candles.”

“You need to go now,” Guillermo said, again. The camera wobbled as the crew shuffled, and Guillermo raised his arm to wave them further away.

“Master, do you really—” he started, before the camera swung and then went dark.

 

***

 

“You can come in now,” Nandor said, opening the door wider. The camera followed him in, pausing on an overturned side table and tumbled candlesticks before tracking Nandor to where he had posed standing by his coffin.

“Deflowering my familiar, Guillermo, was a success,” he said. “It was very nice, lots of candles. Very seductive, very _Twilight_. But there was one little problem.”

The camera refocused on a thin stripe of blood spatter on the wall behind Nandor, before returning to his face when he began speaking again.

“Once I fucked him, he was still much too cute and tasty-looking. So I made him a vampire.” Nandor smiled a stiff, embarrassed smile. “Behold!” He stretched his arm out over the coffin. “He has journeyed into death, only to rise again with the night.”

There was a soft moan from the coffin.

“Oh, is he still alive?” Nandor cracked open the coffin lid and peered inside. “This may take a little longer. Guillermo, just die already. Guillermo?”

There was a weaker groan.

“That’s it, that’s the spirit. You’re doing well,” Nandor told him. He let the lid fall closed. “He should be dead by now. He’s really dragging this out.”

 

 

***

 

“I have some very important news,” Nandor told Nadja and Laszlo.

“We know,” Laszlo said. “You said so when you made us come down to the library.”

“Why couldn’t you tell us upstairs?” asked Nadja. “Why did we have to come all the way down here?”

“It’s important news! There should be an announcement in the library.”

“Why?”

“I agree with Nadja,” Laszlo said. “You always want to drag us in here—“

“What do you have against the library? It makes it special to have all of us gathered here together—”

“Oh hey, guys, what’s going on?” Colin Robinson asked, from the doorway.

“Nothing,” Nandor said. “We just happened to be here. All at once.”

“Yes,” added Laszlo. “Talking about books.”

“Uh-huh. So, Nandor,” Colin Robinson said, “what’s going on with Guillermo? It felt like you killed him today.”

“No, no,” Nandor protested. “He’s fine.”

“Really? It sure seemed like a lot of misery coming from your room. Lots of slowly-dwindling energy, like someone dying over the course of several hours. That’s what it felt like.”

“What did you kill him for?” Nadja demanded. “He was the only familiar in the house!”

The camera cut away from her to Colin Robinson snarling as he fed in the background.

“That’s right,” Laszlo chimed in. “Now who will make sure the windows are covered?”

“Or get rid of the bodies? Nandor, you have to be the one to find a new familiar,” Nadja told Nandor. “Laszlo and I just did it.”

“That’s right. We got the one that the Baron killed.”

“No, I’m not getting another familiar right away,” Nandor said. “Would you stop complaining and listen to my announcement?”

“Well, I’m not finding another one so soon. Familiar-hunting is awful,” Nadja insisted.

“And boring. No, Nandor, you killed the last familiar in the house, you have to replace him. It’s only fair.”

“I’m going to be too busy,” Nandor argued. “I have to teach Guillermo how to be a vampire. That’s my announcement, okay? I made him a vampire. Are you happy you’ve ruined the moment?”

“You did _what?_ ” Nadja yelled.

“What the fuck did you do that for?” Laszlo demanded.

Colin Robinson looked at the camera, his face a rictus of glee.

“He’s been my familiar for… for a long time, and I have rewarded his service by making him a vampire,” Nandor declared.

“Nobody does that,” Laszlo said.

“Are you mad? Has a witch cursed you to be extremely fucking stupid?” Nadja asked.

“And I mean _nobody_. I’ve never even heard of a vampire who turned their familiar.”

“Well, someone has to, or eventually they’ll start to realize that,” Nandor said, huffily. “You should be thanking me.”

“You,” Nadja said in a tone of finality, “relented. He wore you down with his hopeful little puppy eyes and you made him a vampire.”

“I did not!”

“Ohhh, you did!” Laszlo crowed. “He really did, didn’t he?”

“No, I am Nandor the Relentless! I never relent!”

“It’s Nandor the Relent _ful_ , now. Relenter? Whatever they call people who give in easily, that’s you.”

Nandor hissed and lunged at Laszlo, his face warping with anger. Laszlo hissed back, and they collided, bouncing apart as bats before turning into a fluttering, squeaking maelstrom. They rose to the ceiling, skidding sideways when they met it, and then crashing into the base of the chandelier. They promptly fell down, stunned, while Nadja looked at the camera with disgust.

“I honored the deal,” Nandor claimed, as he stood up from where he had sprawled to the floor. “That’s keeping a promise, it’s the opposite of relenting!” He stalked out the door.

 

***

 

“He was not honoring a deal,” Nadja said, to the camera.

“Definitely not,” Laszlo agreed. “What’s embarrassing is that he decided that saying he meant to do it was better than admitting he’d done it by accident.”

“That is the most embarrassing part." Nadja turned to Laszlo. “How do you think he managed it? What could he have been doing that was stupid enough to make a vampire accidentally? You don’t just cut your finger by mistake, and then trip and fall and have your hand go into a human’s mouth and the human swallows your blood.”

“I don’t know, bled onto something he ate? Does Nandor let him keep human food in the house?”

“In our house? That’s disgusting.”

 

***

 

“I lied,” Nandor admitted to the camera. “I didn’t mean to make Guillermo a vampire. But after we had sex, he was all pink and flushed and apparently being a virgin wasn’t as much of his appeal as I had thought. So I bit him a little bit. And then he was lying there while I was drinking him, flopping and struggling, and I remembered when I was in the well and I regretted not being nicer to John, and I thought, ‘One day I might be facing certain death and feel bad I didn’t treat Guillermo better.’ So I made him drink some of my blood while he was gasping for his last breaths.”

The camera panned over to Guillermo, sagging weakly on the sofa next to Nandor. “I’m a vampire,” he said faintly, opening his mouth and showing off his fangs. His face was ashen, but he managed a shaky, “Yay!”

“It’s very unfortunate,” Nandor said. “The whole point of this was to make sure another vampire didn’t kill my familiar, and now I don’t have a familiar anymore anyway.”

“But now I’m a vampire too, Master. I mean, Nandor.”

Nandor hissed. “Hey, hey, hey! I am the vampire who made you! You must show respect.”

“Laszlo calls Nadja by her name. Can’t I—”

“Laszlo is married to her.”

“You seduced me,” Guillermo tried.

“That’s different. As a new vampire you must learn these things.”

“…yes, Master.”

“Also, I need more candles. The ones that smell like trees, I like that. Write it on the shopping list.”

“Yes, Master.”

 

***

 

“No, I would say our relationship _has_ changed, since I became a vampire,” Guillermo said into the camera. “At first Nandor may have been a little reluctant to let go of me being his familiar, but it’s been a week now and he’s adjusting. We talked about it, and we agreed that I would address him as Master in private, but if there’s other vampires or humans around I can call him Nandor. So that’s huge progress, really. Oh, and I only have to do what he says most of the time. Before it was always.”

Guillermo smiled, awkwardly drawing his lips back so his fangs were more visible. “Being a vampire is wonderful. There is a learning curve—Nandor took me hunting and I don’t quite have that down yet. It was kind of messy. But we go flying a lot. I wear a cape.” He spread out his red-lined cape proudly.

One of the crew said something inaudible.

“Oh,” Guillermo said, swiping his hand across his forehead. “Did I get it? I can’t see myself in mirrors anymore, so you’re going to have to tell me—there? Okay.” He stopped rubbing his forehead. “It’s, um. Nandor’s glitter gets everywhere. We’ve been, um, we’ve been spending the days together. He says I can’t say we’re together yet, but I think it won’t be long.”

**Author's Note:**

> I would say the level of consent issues around the (off-screen) sex between Nandor and Guillermo in this fic is about on par with the consent issues for everything else in their relationship in the show. There's brief references to blood and eating people.


End file.
